college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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