Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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