everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
