So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
