Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
