I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
