It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
