If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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