I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
