Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
