he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
