your thong is hanging out like whoa
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
