I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I need mimosas to revive my soul
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
