Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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