Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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