omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
