Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
