I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
