You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
don't judge my taste in strippers
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
