awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
