Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
