I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
