Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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