I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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