By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
