Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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