12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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