if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
