My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
