K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
