I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
