I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I believe in your delicious
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
