Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
