I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
