official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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