What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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