Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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