Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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