Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
