I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
