8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
