I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
