his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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