***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
