Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
