I cockslap morals
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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