The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
