i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
