You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
