So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
