God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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